Sunday, September 16, 2007
Why Am I Afraid to Love is about what has kept me from loving and how I was able to overcome it. In the recent past, I loved someone. This someone loved me back. We were happy together. It was the first time for both of us to love someone outside the family. However, time came when he changed. He drifted away. He did not return calls anymore. He avoided me in the campus. He sent messages through friends that everything was my fault. He reasoned that I did not have enough time for our relationship. He could not accept the explanation that school works kept us too busy to be together. While there was no clear closure between us, it was as if I was rejected. The person that I used to love did not want my love anymore. As a result, I grew some fear about loving again. I was afraid the same thing would repeat itself. I had to be content with the love given to me by my friends and parents. I kept myself from falling in love to those who offered their love for me. The trauma with my immediate past beloved kept me from giving love another try. It took some time before I reconsidered. It was only recently that I allowed my healing heart to love anew. What I read from the book clarified to me that which helped me take a second chance.
I read something especially important from the book. It said that I have built walls that prevented me from loving others as well as myself. These walls resulted from the indifference I have felt before with my former beloved. He was my world. When this world orbited away, I was left with nothing. I was insecure owing to his absence. My automatic defense was to shield myself from all possible pains to come. In order not to hurt, I had to restrain myself from loving again. I did not permit myself to break the wall and reach out to others. I was afraid that they, too, would hurt me the way I was hurt before. In the process, I was hurting myself more. I am allowing myself to grow more insecure. While others are happy to have moved on after a terrible breakup, I was suffering more from my unclear breakup. I was dwelling on my pained emotion. I was not allowing the people who might be able to draw me out of my misery. I was not allowing myself to be loved. In consequence, I was not allowing myself to be happy. Only now that I began loving again did I feel happiness being renewed. It all began when I finally gave up on my personal wall.
The insight of having to break my personal wall so love can reach me is essential. By doing so, another world has opened. While there is no guarantee that pain will not rise sometime soon, my new beloved promises not to do so intentionally. By believing in the beloved, I am beginning to trust again. I am renewing my security. Changing my perspective about losing faith in love was helpful because it was my key to renewed happiness. If I did not give myself a chance, my misery would have gone longer. I will not be happy. I will not have a working relationship with others. I will not have a good self-worth. I would think that I am incapable of loving. I would think that everybody would just reject me. All these have changed because I reconsidered. When I read the book, I felt that what I did was given a name. It dawned on me that it was possible to recover from a heartache. However, it entailed the sacrifice of doing the same thing over again: loving. Now that I gave myself a chance, I felt again what happiness is because of love.
I can use this insight in my studies, personal life and professional life in many ways. In all these, there is a certain degree of love involved. In studies, it takes courage to outpour passion for learning. If I become afraid of studying, I would not have learned. Improving on my knowledge gives me a chance to become wise in my decisions. What I learn in school will be used in my future. Hence, I had to love what I do in school. In my personal life, loving cannot be missing. I have people around me whom I am related to because of love. If I trust them enough, I am allowing myself to be loved by them. Without them, I will not be inspired to go on living. Without people to love, my life will be empty. I may not even have the courage to love myself even. In my future profession, loving will also figure out. My profession will be a big aspect for the rest of my life. If I do not love what I will be doing, I may not become productive. In contrast, if I love my job, I feel that it will love me back. I will become more fulfilled if I let go of insecurities and fill myself with love to inspire me in my studies, in my personal life and my future professional life.
Giving love a chance can be done anywhere at any given time. In school and home where I spend most of my time, I will be meeting people I can trust to love me back. However, the loving should start with myself first. I have begun loving myself again so I hope I will gain more love in return as I spread it around today, everywhere.