Saturday, August 19, 2006
the montessori i trained for suddenly terminated the training being given to me. no explanation. i can only surmise that the liberalism did it in. well, time to jobhunt afresh, but no-no to boyfriend hunting for now. i'm single and available, though. i come in attractive package but only in single variety, hahaha.
what does this mean: "i come in attractive package but only in single variety"?.. to be honest, i feel rejected. i'm sorry to hear about the montessori. i wish you all the luck in getting the job you'll really like...i'm also sorry to hear that you don't need a bf. i was kinda offering myself to you. you remind me of my ex though he's much handsomer. but i wasn't trying to use you to get over him. i don't think i could. god knows i miss him so much.. this is why i thought i needed you. i'm sure you miss your ex, too(..and he's much handsomer than me, too) but please don't act like you want me just because of this. i never needed charity when it comes to love.. and i could detect if you're acting. i'm sensitive to that. please don't be mad at what i'm about to say.. with your last emails, you strike me as a cold person. it sort of reminded me that we had contact back then but it was mutual that there were no feelings. but what could and why should i expect, right? to tell you, i get hurt with your kind of people. my fault, i guess. i assume a lot of things.. and i get attached too easily that some people interpret it as an indicator of some hidden agenda. sorry we're not even compatible as friends.. whenever i go to such places, though admittedly i need it, i always think i'm making a mistake. "there's nothing for me there," i would think. everything there is temporary, momentary.. i can't blame you if you don't think i have any virtue worthy of you..
you're a versatile person, you listen well (and speak a lot actually, i was quite amazed you didn't stop talking until we parted that saturday) but you keep a lot of the important things to yourself. maybe you should be a little more trusting by which i mean to let go of yourself a little. despite the being talkative, you're in a shell, an introvert.. but at least you made me feel like i wasn't alone. take care.
hi, joel. it seems to me it's high time we pour ourselves to each other. i was trying to sound jolly to you (hence the 'marketing myself' strat last email i sent) just so we didnt have to probe each other's loneliness soon. 'guess it's a fact of life: happiness is always farther away (mental note: reread ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE).as for the montessori, dont you worry about me, i better gather what's lost in time, right before my pathetic self calcifies. hmm, i must have made a wrong transmission when you felt sorry that i dont want a bf in tow: such a loser to have a dwindling career and a loveless heart. let me rectify that: my heart's not loveless, but as a novel title goes, "the heart is a lonely hunter." no, i dont miss my ex, although i visit him sometimes in his workplace. it's not he that's the object of my raging desire now, but someone else. if you are hard to catch on, then maybe your heart still has other preoccupations. i envy you because you can take pride in saying you never needed charity when it comes to loving--love always makes me feel like a beggar, and i constantly hunger for love. which should tell you one reason why i occasionally go to such places where we met: i believe in love being found even in the strangest places (boyzone agrees). why should i not, when all the people there and in other cruising places only aim for one thing: to hunt? be it a lay, a curiosity satisfier, a shock absorber, a semi-finalist, a short-term lover, a partner for a lifetime, it all boils down to searching. we're lucky if we approximate our goal, but i must be a major disappointment to you. with your eloquence, raving looks, gentle nature, it's not hard to fall for you, but i've always been the shameless michelle aldana-like segurista, so this must add some more lemon to the fresh wound. i wish i could say never for you to surrender on me, but then again, i'm a fallible human and i may just hurt you. i am not a sadist, and come to think, you have had enough sufferance to want to remain a masochist. all things being equal, you are special to me. life's is short, but we got plenty of fullness to be had if we allow ourselves to be swept by the tide (of what? i need not articulate that). i miss you, honeybunny.:)
if you really miss me, why don't we set a time to meet? at least we can talk without "hiatus" =D (--though i knew the meaning from context, the picture i saw when i read this is someone in indian-sitting position waiting for something to fall from the heavens.) we could be spontaneous. there'd be very little opportunity to pretend, i guess. and you promised you'd lend me "one hundred years of solitude".. =D i'd love to read it.. i can tell you at this point that i'm open to liberal ideas when it comes to relationships, very open to man's "real nature". if ever, we could set rules so we wouldn't end up hurting each other.. i never thought you found me eloquent. i myself find you very articulate. i wouldn't think i could rival you.. the object of your "raving desire" must be really gorgeous, huh? how i wish it was i. you're special to me. needless to say, i miss you, too. take care.